October 25, 2006
"This cliff looks a lot higher from here than it does sitting below it in a canoe," I thought, my bare feet curling over the edge as if that would keep me from falling. If I dropped a sandal, it would land lost forever on the rocks or in the water far beneath me. "And I'm going to jump from here – am I crazy?" "You can do it." "Don't look down." "Just jump, that's the hardest part, then it's great." "Do you want me to give you a shove?" My friends assured me that the ride was worth the wobbly knees I had at first, and that I didn't really have to hold onto the rope that was securely fastened to my harness. I had seen lots of pictures of nine and ten-year-olds going down "hands-free" with great big grins, and all of them showed up safely on the other bank, but that was only mildly reassuring. I knew very well that I would be held securely, but what I felt right then didn't quite agree. "Alright, give me a little shove." That way I would only have to halfway jump off and then before I knew it I would be sailing away down the zip line. "Here it goes . . ." So off I went, and somewhere it must be written that a fast ride over the edge and through the breeze of a warm Texas day feels as though Aslan is blowing you safely away to Narnia (see the book, The Silver Chair.) When the air is rushing past you it feels like you are flying; it gives a new meaning to the word "Freedom." You must try it if you are ever in Texas near the camp where I worked this summer.
This is good description of what I have been learning over the past several months. I can let go of the fears and doubts that had tried to hold me back from completely trusting God. I can know that God accepts me, has completely forgiven me, and that I do not face difficult times without Him. It is God who keeps me safe and secure; trusting my own strength is useless because I am weak and my will and courage often fail. With His help I can experience the freedom that He intended me to and be able to encourage others. The character I identify with most in the Bible is Peter, because he at first promised never to deny Jesus and then in fear denied Him repeatedly, filled with bitter tears. He trusted himself and let himself down miserably. I'm certain he thought his relationship with Christ was over. Later after he had experienced Jesus' forgiveness, he was called to publicly testify about his faith and then give his life, and because he trusted God's strength rather than his own, he remained faithful and lived (and died) courageously. Please pray that I depend every day on God's strength rather than trying to do the impossible task of fulfilling His purposes in my own power.
It's been over a month since I've written anything. I'm so sorry! I have been doing well. Some of what I have done recently includes applying and interviewing for a part-time job at the office of a local business; helping with the youth group and quiz team at my home church; taking a trip back to college for a day; painting a room at my grandma's new house; filling out much medical paperwork, making numerous business phone calls, and attending various appointments; and finally, cooking and doing other regular house and yard work. Over the past several weeks, nearly every one of my friends and family members has come to mind, and I thought about what I would say if we were talking face to face, but I haven't taken the time to write a new letter. :( I continue to regain strength; I have gained 18 pounds so far and now weigh 93.6 pounds. Doctors and nurses have been happy with the progress I've been making. The name for my group of symptoms is gastroparesis; this is a slowing and weakening of the stomach and/or intestines, so that food travels through the digestive system much more slowly than it needs to. The leading cause for this condition is diabetes, which in my case was ruled out in a previous test. Many other conditions that might cause similar symptoms have also been ruled out. A significant number of gastroparesis cases do not have known causes, so I'm not sure if we will be able to figure out exactly why it happened or if it will be long-term or short-term (I feel that's o.k.). Many other people live normal lives with a modified diet, which I'm already practiced at because of several food allergies. Because I still have problems digesting fiber and fat, I mostly eat soft foods. I am also taking medicine that helps my GI system work more effectively. Although this experience hasn't necessarily been pleasant, I'm thankful that it has been treatable with the PEG tube and formula and that my health has improved so much over the past several weeks. Please pray that as I regain weight and strength, I will be able to switch to eating more food and eventually needing less formula.

One of my favorite hymns, "Love Lifted Me", describes the story of my rescued heart:

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more,
But the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.

Love lifted me, love lifted me,
When nothing else could help, love lifted me.
Love lifted me, love lifted me,
When nothing else could help, love lifted me.